How to clean up after a house party

You had a great night last night - what you can remember of it - but what is that stuck to the wall? Here's how to clean up after an epic party.

Step one: Remove this dude

It’s the morning after the night before, your parents will be round for tea later this afternoon and the place is totally unrecognisable. Your head is pounding, there are satsumas stuck to the wine-stained wall and strangers are sleeping on the banisters. The Mix helps you clean up in time.

The clean up action plan

1.Wake everyone up

Wake the sleeping strangers and grab your best mates with promises of a decent fry up/ hair of the dog if they help you in your cleaning mission.

2. Get them to help

Supply them with bin bags and send off to separate rooms to gather cans, bottles, ashtrays and UFOs. Send someone sober off to the tip with the bags or it’ll be obvious there was a party.

3. Get rid of the smells

In an attempt to get rid of the smell of stale smoke, puke and alco-hell, open windows and doors, and light a jostick or two.

4. What’s been broken?

When most of the debris has been cleared assess the damage: is anything broken, stained, or burnt?

• Broken: If it can be fixed at another point and hidden until then, put it in your room. If you need an expert, phone around, find an affordable one and try to get them round pronto – just pray it isn’t a window that you can only get from Germany after a three week wait.
• Stained: Not always a disaster, here are some rescue remedies for the main culprits. And for everything else try moving furniture, rugs and throws.
  Beer: Blot with kitchen towel, add a little white vinegar solution (1/3 cup white vinegar with 2/3 water), blot again then clean with carpet cleaner according to the bottle’s instructions.
• Red wine: Sponge with white wine then blot with kitchen towel before using carpet cleaner.
• Candle wax: Scrape off as much wax as you can with a cold butter knife. Place brown paper over wax and warm iron over the paper to draw the wax up. Use a little dry cleaning solution on the carpet before blotting with kitchen towel.
• Vomit: Remove the bulk of it, sponge the area with soda water, blot with kitchen towel and then clean with carpet cleaner and blot again.
• Burn holes: Use a knife to cut out burnt fibres leaving the backing visible. Cut some tufts from a piece of carpet that will not show. Put some glue onto the exposed backing and on the ends of the tufts and stick together. Trim and blend. Generally clean the place: vacuum, mop, wipe and dust before putting all the valuables and breakables back in the right place.

5. Check for leftover grossness

Don’t forget to check in bedrooms for offending items (lost thongs and used condoms), and change sheets if necessary.

6. Eat fried food

Clean yourselves and head off to the cafe/ pub in search of food.

Photo of mess by Shutterstock