How to support someone who has been sexually assaulted or raped

The idea of supporting someone who has been raped or sexually assaulted might seem overwhelming, but your hand-holding or listening ear could seriously help them cope with the future. Read our guide on how to support someone who has been sexually assaulted or raped.

T/W: Contains discussion of rape and sexual assault

Listen and be patient

Listening to what a survivor has to say is one of the most important ways to help someone who has experienced rape or sexual assault. It takes a lot for someone to talk about their experience and may have taken them years to speak out. It can be hard for you to listen to, and at first you may feel overwhelmed by their story.

Try not to react in a way that might be discouraging. Listen to what they’re saying without interrupting or asking too many questions. It’s difficult to talk about emotional stories, so let the person explain what happened in their own time. They may get confused or jumble the facts, but don’t get impatient. Katie Russell from Rape Crisis England & Wales explains: “There may be bits they don’t want to talk about or there may be inconsistencies. That’s because rape and sexual violence are traumatic experiences.”

They may or may not go into details, but don’t push for more if they only want to say a little. Make encouraging sounds to show what they’re telling you is ok. You might feel like you want to give advice to a rape victim, but when someone shares something like this it’s better to be a good listener than to try and solve the problem yourself.

Learning a bit about post traumatic stress disorder might also help you understand what they’re dealing with.

Believe them

Many survivors stay silent because they worry that no one will believe them. Make sure they feel that sharing their experience with you was the right decision. Tell them you recognise their bravery and you believe them.

It’s ok to show emotion

A close friend or family member revealing a traumatic experience is a lot to take in. You don’t have to hide your emotions and react like a robot. You might be upset or angry for them, which is ok, but remember not to take over the conversation and turn it around to how you feel. You don’t want the survivor to feel guilty for burdening you with their experience.

Keep their story to yourself

You may be the first person they’ve told about their ordeal, which probably means they trust you and value your relationship. Don’t destroy this trust by trying to take control of the situation or sharing the details with anyone else, unless the person wants you to. It’s not up to you to seek revenge, however angry you may feel. It’s up to the victim to decide the best way to move forward.

Sexual abuse is traumatic for many reasons, and one is that it takes away the survivor’s feeling of control. You may want to help someone who has been raped, but without their consent, you shouldn’t contact the police or book them an appointment with a GP. You don’t want to accidentally make them feel worse through your good intentions. Offer advice and guidance, but leave the decisions up to them.

Don’t blame them

No one asks to be a victim of sexual violence – the blame lies with the perpetrator. Don’t ask them what they were wearing, which might suggest they in some way asked to be attacked. Don’t question why they didn’t tell you sooner, or why they didn’t fight back. Avoid anything that could make them feel judged.

Be aware of intimacy issues

Many people struggle with intimacy after rape or sexual violence. They may experience moments when they don’t want to be touched, or times when they desperately want your affection. Katie says: “These are ordinary responses to traumatic events. Although it can be hard, having patience and understanding with that is important.”

If their issues with intimacy last for a long time, speak to them about possibly visiting a GP or sexual assault referral centre (SARC) for confidential support and advice.

Give them the information they need

If they want to report the incident to the police, you can either go to the local police station or a SARC. Specially trained police officers or SARC staff will guide them through the process. For more information on reporting rape or sexual assault go to our article ‘Was it rape’.

Take care of yourself

Supporting a survivor can be difficult. You might feel stunned by the information, or you may be a survivor of sexual violence as well. Take time out for yourself to look after your mental health. If you want to speak to someone about it, but not betray your friend’s confidence, you can call the Rape Crisis helpline to get support, as well as advice for the survivor.

Use our tool to help find answers for you

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For more help if you or someone you know has experienced any form of sexual violence:

• Our Crisis Messenger provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK. If you’re aged 25 or under, you can text THEMIX to 85258.
• Rape Crisis offers victim support and advice, no matter how long ago the attack was. Call on 0808 802 99 99.

SurvivorsUK offers advice and support to male victims of rape and sexual assault. Text on 020 3322 1860.