Why won’t my friends text or call me first?

If you’re always the one initiating text or call conversations, your friendship can start to feel pretty one-sided. Especially when you see they’ve been online recently but haven’t bothered to shoot you a message. Know that you’re not alone in this feeling, it’s completely valid and should not be overlooked. A user of The Mix actually got in touch to ask us why their friends don’t call or text first: 

In the case of your two close friends (and maybe other people in your life as well), there’s a good chance that they make you feel needed. For example, as much as having to organise social events might irritate you, it might also give you a sense of purpose. Generally speaking, there’s nothing wrong with this. It’s only when you start to feel used, rather than needed that a conversation needs to happen. With all this in mind, it might be worth taking a step back and reflecting on your friendship dynamic before planning your next steps.

If you’re worried that your friends are leaving you out on purpose, we’ve put together some ideas for how to deal with that here.

Do your friends take you for granted?

It seems that what’s going on has a couple of layers to it. Firstly it’s possible you’re beginning to realise that maybe you allow some people to take you for granted. Although it might not seem like it right now, this is a good thing. It means that you’re starting to understand your worth, because trust us – you’re more than worth a call from their mobile phones. When you see some text messages pop up from your friend, it shouldn’t seem like a special favour – it’s just part of the friendship. Take this opportunity to have a look at all your relationships, both with friends and family, and see if there’s a pattern that crops up.

How to tell your friends how you feel

A good shout might be to arrange to speak to each of them separately, so they don’t feel like they’re being ambushed. Explain that you feel that you’re doing all the heavy-lifting in this friendship, and it’s getting exhausting. Make it clear that you care about them and don’t want to lose the friendship, but if something doesn’t change that might be the only option. Try to give some examples of what they can do to help the situation, such as initiating social events or planning a call to you and other friends, or just being the first one to start text conversations.

For more inspo on what they might do, take a look at this article.

How to assess your relationship with friends who never take the initiative to make a call to friends 

At the end of the day, if these people really are true friends, they’ll take take action, like starting phone conversations on mobile or landline. But try to be patient with them at first. Sometimes friends text first infrequently and it may take a while for them to get accustomed to the new dynamic. If, after some time has passed, they still haven’t even made an effort, it might be time to reevaluate the friendship. A tip to help you through this process is that relationships should be a happy give and take; not one person constantly putting all their energy into it while the other just coasts.

In order to stay connected, both parties have to make it work. Unfortunately, sometimes this may not end up happening – no matter how hard you’ve tried, and that’s okay. Whatever happens, you’ll have learned something about your personal boundaries and standards when it comes to friends. 

Do you have trouble with friends who never seem to text or call you first? Share your story on our Discussion Boards.