Single and happy

Being single is brilliant. Being single is also sometimes rubbish. And it’s normal to feel down if all your friends are coupled up. We spoke to Relate counsellor Christine Webber about how you can feel happier about being single.

Being single doesn't have to be lonely

How can I be single and happy?

• Make time for your friends. “To be single and happy you need to have a great group of friends,” says Christine. The worst thing about being single is feeling lonely, but good friends can guard against that. This isn’t about having as many Facebook friends as possible, or a sparkling social life, instead focus on being a really good friend to a few people. When you’re in a relationship, friendships can take a backseat, so use this time to really embrace them.
• Get busy. If there’s something you want to do or learn now’s the time to do it before a relationship eats up your time. Whether it’s learning to play the didgeridoo, volunteering, or taking up zorbing; if you try new things you’ll become more confident and more interesting, and therefore (if you have time to worry about it) more attractive.
• Be happy now. When you’re single there can be a tendency to think: ‘I can’t be happy until I have a boyfriend/girlfriend.’ But that’s simply not true. Instead, think: ‘I’m going to enjoy being single while I can.’ It’s not easy to change how you think, but try something new and read our article on being positive to get you started.
• Learn to be happy alone. This one is hard work. Ever had that sinking feeling when you’ve got an empty weekend ahead? It’s not great. But learning to be happy in your own company is really important for your self-esteem. If the idea of a whole day on your own sounds a little daunting, try an hour first then slowly build it up. If you have the opposite problem, and you feel like you’re always alone, try something new.

I’ve never had a boyfriend or girlfriend – is that normal?

Yes. There is no rule that dictates when you must have your first relationship by.

“We tend to think everyone’s pairing off from an early age, but this is not the case,” says Christine. “Some people just aren’t ready until they’re much older.”

Why am I still single?

You could still be single for any number of reasons, and often for circumstances out of your control. The fact is, though: the happier you are in yourself, the more likely a relationship will happen.

However, if you feel that you are happy in yourself but you’re still single, ask your friends what they think. Choose someone who’s been single before, who knows you well, and who’ll be honest but kind, and ask them: ‘why isn’t this happening for me?’ They may say something you’ve never thought of… or just tell you to get rid of the mullet.

It could be that you’re just not meeting the right people. Even if you’ve got an amazing social life and are constantly busy, if everyone you meet is taken, or the wrong gender or sexuality, it’s no surprise you’re still single. If this is the case, try online dating or one of the many new places to pull.

Am I single because I’m unattractive?

If you’re worried about how you look being single can sometimes make it worse. “Your self-worth should never be dependent on who finds you attractive,” says Andrea Boden from the Romance Academy. “Make sure you find your worth in something else, something you’re passionate about.”

Plus, if you look at other people who’re in relationships you’ll notice not all of them are really attractive, and plenty of really good-looking people are single. “Physical appearance is no indicator of having good relationships,” says Christine.

What if I never find someone?

The fact is you don’t know when you’ll meet someone. But worrying that you never will is a waste of energy. Instead, spend your time growing as a person and finding things that make you happy. “When people are OK with everything, that’s when someone turns up,” says Christine. Focus on the present and what makes you happy now, instead of asking ‘what if?’ about the future.