How anorexia changed me – and my relationship

My boyfriend pointed out my weight loss over Skype, but I told him the bad quality made the picture look wrong.

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Hi, I am moving all the posts from the The Mix’s sister website Madly In Love to Your Voices.

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I’ve never felt loved for who I am. I’m always the second choice, the one nobody wants. But for once I actually felt loved by someone, and appreciated for who I am. Unfortunately he lived far away from me, in another country. I lived in Sweden and he in England.

The first year of our relationship was great. We Skyped every day and visited each other often. But when I decided to lose weight our relationship slowly broke down. I only wanted to lose a few pounds for a slimmer body, so I started controlling my food intake. In a few weeks I had reached my goal and was amazed that I actually managed to do it. So I continued to see how far I could go. But as soon as I had started controlling my calorie intake, I couldn’t stop it. I had a set limit of how many calories I was allowed to eat per day, and each day it was getting lower until I had reached a life-threatening low weight.

My boyfriend pointed out my weight loss over Skype, but I told him the bad quality makes the picture look wrong. When I came to visit him in the summer he got surprised by how much skinnier I was, and immediately tried making me eat more. But I didn’t. I can’t remember much of those three weeks with him. I had no energy, I was in a bad mood and I couldn’t enjoy his cooking as I used to do. I was extremely picky with the little food I ate and that led to many long arguments.

One day I fainted because of my low calorie intake, and could barely breathe or see. He hurried to make me some sandwiches, but all I could say when he got back was ,”That’s way too much butter, I won’t eat it”. Even when my life was in danger I couldn’t allow myself to eat. One day he told me, ”You’re a completely different person, you’re not the girl I fell in love with.”

Shortly after arriving home to Sweden I was put in hospital for a couple of months and I gained most of my weight back. During these months I was sure he would leave me. I barely talked to him, and we didn’t see each other for six months. When I was finally discharged, I went to see him over Christmas, but something was different. We weren’t the same with each other. I still couldn’t eat whatever he gave me. And, even though I’d recovered quite well, I’d become another person. He had waited for me, but I was at a different point in life and we didn’t work as well together. Our relationship held through a lot: long distance, different interests, meeting very rarely, not much money, different languages, different cultures… but not my anorexia.

Today I’m over the relationship and do not want to get back together. Maybe because I’ve changed so much during the time we were with each other, while he has stayed the same. Recovering from anorexia is very hard and I want to move on. At the moment I’m not ready for another relationship. I want to have a break and not rush into anything new. After all, he was my first love and first serious relationship. We have decided to take a break from each other, but in the future I hope he and I can make it into a good and relaxed friendship. And that I will find a guy who can go through my life changes with me..

This post was written by Ida and originally appeared on The Mix’s sister website Madly In Love.

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