I messed up and I can't let it go

So this isn't about everything I have been through with relationships, but one in particular that I just can't let go of.

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So, last summer, I got into a relationship. It was my first proper relationship since a bad break-up from a long term relationship and it was nice. I'd had a bit of thing for him for a while - he's an actor and I'm a sucker for those. My friend told me that he liked me and we ended up going out pretty soon after. Looking back, it probably wasn't the best idea as I'd only just started a course of prozac (I've been depressed for the majority of my life). I was with this guy for about 3 months. I loved him but Christ he was difficult. He was really stubborn but, still, he was sweet to me. We argued a lot - a combination of my aggressive nature and his stubbornness. I ended up breaking up with him at one point because of this, but I begged him to take me back a couple of days later because I did really like him. At the end of the summer I went to the Edinburgh Fringe to perform. On the last night I ended up getting really drunk (for the first time) and I couldn't get back into the girls dorm, so I slept on a bunk with one of the boys. I really fancied this boy and I think he knew it. I was drunk and I remember not wanting to do anything with him but it happened anyway. I have never felt so disgusting and ashamed in all my life. I called my boyfriend in the morning to tell him what had happened. I couldn't speak. He hung up on me and I lost it; I lashed out over text and that was the worst decision I have ever made. We haven't spoken since but he spread a rumour about me saying that I'd sent him naked pictures of it happening, which is completely untrue. I forgave him because I had hurt him, but it hurt me a lot and ruined a couple of friendships. There is no way I can forgive myself for what happened. I thought about my other cast members today and I was nearly sick. I think I'll feel guilty about it forever. The boy it happened with didn't listen when I said no; he persisted and got me to say yes. I just wish I could contact my ex and get him to hear me out. I would do anything to atone for what I did.

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