The fight within

Strange thing the human mind, it knows what it's trying to discreetly tell you. But do we understand any of it? No

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I have had kids early in life as have many others. I love my kids with all my heart and wouldn't do anything to affect their wellbeing or environment they grow in.

This being said, I have been with my partner a good number of years now and I'm still not convinced that we were meant to be. We have our good days, but I have become constantly nervous around my home. Unsure what to say, afraid of starting an argument. I find it increasingly difficult to make the simplest of decisions due to it maybe not being the one she wanted me to choose. I am cracking on with life as it is now for my children's sake. I see it as my chance of true happiness is gone, don't mess theirs up.

I can't 100% convince myself if I have feelings for my partner. I'm sure I do as when ever she is upset or hurt my insides twist into tight knot of worry. Is this a good sign? I worry that if anything were to happen between us, would she cope as a single parent? She had mental problems before we got together which have all but vanished now I'm here. Will they return? Will I be the soul reason for their return?

A girl I used to know, I am not allowed to talk to her as I worries my partner. But I struggle to stop thinking about this girl. Talking to her puts a smile on my face. Even though we haven't met face to face in about 6 years. Do I have feelings for her? Is it just a case of "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"?

I don't want to hurt my family. I love my children and care for my partner a lot. I never loose my temper, I am a calm headed person. I deal with things a lot calmer than most by bottling my thoughts, problems and worries up inside.

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. Sorry I felt like I needed to get that off my chest. Open to advice if anyone has anything?
Thank you for taking the time to read about my worries

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