Fanny farts and embarrassing sex

Fanny farts, loud orgasms and urination - oh my. Sex can be filled with cringe moments. Here's how to deal with the embarrassing side of copulation.

Should I pretend it was a bum fart? Or is that worse?

Fanny farts (frump/queef)

All women do it at some time, usually at the most inappropriate times. Fanny farts are not the same as your usual fart, they are made up of air and not stinky gas (as no gas is produced ‘down there’), and they’re released from the vagina, not the bottom. During sex, air in the vagina gets compressed and is then forced out at high pressure (often following the removal of the penis/dildo etc). While they might not stink like normal farts, they do make the funniest, loudest, kill-the-moment noises ever.

Best way to deal with it: Laugh it off – together.

Loud orgasms

The question is how loud is too loud? There’s no straightforward answer, as this often depends on where you are, who you’re with and whether you care what anyone else thinks. Screaming, “Fuck me harder big boy” when you know his parents are in the next room is probably a little loud, while a ‘When Harry met Sally’ extravaganza in the comfort of your own pad should be OK.

Best way to deal with it: Being vocal during sex is not a bad thing; if anything it shows you’re comfortable with your partner, and you’ll probably have better sex as a result. However, a new partner may be terrified if your outbursts are dirtier than the tame ‘yes, yes, yes’, while screaming your ex’s name at climax is a dumpable offence. If you find your partner’s flatmates sniggering when you go down to the kitchen the next morning, you may want to think before you scream, and bite your lip instead.

Sex makes me want to wee

No this isn’t something for incontinent OAPs, it’s a common problem for girls for several reasons:

• Fear: that we’ll lose control when we orgasm and piss all over our lover causing them to run away screaming. Even if you don’t actually need a piss, somehow you think you do.
• Pressure on the bladder: Some sexual positions put more pressure on the bladder than others and can make you feel like you need to piss even if you don’t.
• You really do need a piss: Often our thrustings and fumblings happen after the pub/club meaning there are several pints of alcohol swimming through your system as you start to get jiggy.

Best way to deal with it: Removing the fear of giving an uninvited golden shower is easily done – go to the loo before you have sex (especially as sex on a full bladder is one cause of cystitis. In truth, you’re probably in better control of your bodily functions than you think, and actually weeing on your partner (without wanting to) is unlikely to happen. If you are really worried you could also try training up your PC muscle.

Photo of embarrassed girl by Shutterstock