Is porn real?

Is porn real? No, no it’s not.

Porn might be sexy, but it’s somewhat lacking in the authenticity department. Is porn real? No, no it’s not. Porn videos are full of things that you’ll never find in real life, from that perfectly symmetrical pornstar vagina to that gigantic penis that you could use as a cricket bat. We’re here to help you distinguish between fantasy and reality.

Hello. Did you come to this page accidently after Googling the word ‘porn’? Sorry to disappoint you if you were looking for wank-material. But, whilst we’ve got your attention, can we tell you a little bit about porn? And how it’s completely different to real sex?

Porn myth 1: All penises are massive and can stay erect FOREVER

Forget hung like a donkey. Porn actors are hung like a Tyrannosaurus Rex on Viagra. They also stay rock solid until the exact moment Mr Big wants to ejaculate.

Reality – Penises come in all sizes, and erections have a mind of their own.

We’re not even going to bother telling you the average penis size. You’ll no doubt only grab a ruler, compare yourself then panic. But average is definitely not porn star size, so don’t fret if you don’t match up. Your penis is perfectly marvellous. Unlike a porn penis though, your erection may well not behave itself from time to time – a common trait of real world man-tackle.

Porn myth 2: Vaginas have invisible labia, boobs are always gigantic, and cellulite and pubes don’t exist

In fact, in Pornland, women don’t have any body hair at all. Their pornstar vagina lips are teeny tiny and tucked away. Their boobs are so massive their nipples almost obscure their vision. Oh, and the only dimples they have are the ones on their smiling cheeks as they orgasm effortlessly without foreplay.

Reality – Vaginas are hairy, with dangly bits, tits are odd sizes and people have dimples everywhere. Get over it.

Wax if you want to, but not ’cause you feel you have to. Vaginal lips may well hang over an inch outside the rest of your vagina – and that’s completely normal too. Boobs come in all shapes and sizes. Oh, and all women get cellulite and stretch marks.

Porn myth 3: Men’s semen should splatter in their partner’s face

Or on their boobs. Or on their friend’s face. 

Reality – Some people might like it, others will be downright offended.

Sexual partners aren’t lampposts and penises aren’t dogs. And yes, in porn, you may well see a guy mark his territory by splashing semen into a gal’s eyes but we doubt you’ll see it in most people’s bedrooms. That’s not to say some people don’t enjoy it. But it’s safer to think of it as an opt-in sex-act rather than an opt-out one. Plus, it’s just not very romantic, is it? You can’t imagine Mr Darcy blowing his load on Eliza’s Bennet’s face, or Edward Cullen spunking all over Bella’s breasts. And, much as pornos hide this, some people quite like the odd romantic love-making sesh.

Porn myth 4: Where shall I put my penis? I know! Up the bum! They’ll love it

Anal sex. Does a porn flick exist where something isn’t shoved up an anal cavity? You will therefore be forgiven for thinking up-the-bum is all-the-rage, on-screen and off-screen.

Reality – Anal sex may be common in porn, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it.

Porn stars have reported not eating anything the day before and GIVING THEMSELVES AN ENEMA before shooting an anal scene. So anal isn’t as effortless as porn will have you believe. If you’re both into it, it can be great. But perhaps not the porn way. For starters, you need lube, plus time, gentleness and a lot of respect.

Porn myth 5: Vaginas don’t need any clitoral stimulation

Oh to be a female porn star. For some unknown mathematical reason, all porn women seem to fall into that elusive 25% who can come solely through penetration. Hell, they don’t even need foreplay. Or lubrication. Just a few urgent thrusts up the va-jay-jay and they’re coming hard until Christmas. *cough* FAKER *cough*

Reality – No clit attention, harder to orgasm

There is a reason for the clitoris. The Creator of the Universe didn’t randomly bung one on all vaginas just because they had some leftover playdough. For many people with vaginas, clitoral stimulation is the ONLY way they can come. Porn completely IGNORES this. So we’re left thinking ruthless pounding is the route to all vaginal pleasure, leaving the rest of us worrying why they don’t enjoy penetration as much as the howling girl on the laptop.

Porn myth 6: Condoms aren’t sexy. Let’s leave them in the drawer

Safe sex apparently isn’t sexy sex. Cheers for that, porn. Let’s just repeatedly swap partners, fluids, and orifices with a bare-backed boner and not a thought for STIs and pregnancy.

Reality: STIs aren’t sexy. And quite a few porn starlets have caught them.

What they don’t mention in the “I wanna f*ck you now” dialogue, is that porn stars get tested monthly for STIs. And that, even then, many porn actors have caught something. Cue the “please have sex safely” talk that you’re sick of hearing, but that’s still really important.

So what have we learnt about porn then?

Sex is great. And porn can be great. It’s the idea that porn sex is like real sex which is the problem. Is porn real? No. But if you can separate the fantasy from the reality you’re much more likely to enjoy both.