Porn vs Reality

Porn might be sexy, but it's somewhat lacking in the authenticity department. We're here to help you distinguish between fantasy and reality.

Hello. Did you come to this page accidently after Googling the word ‘porn’? Sorry to disappoint you if you were looking for wank-fodder. But, whilst we’ve got your attention, can we tell you a little bit about porn? And how it’s completely different to real sex?

Porn myth 1: All men have absolutely massive penises that can stay erect FOREVER

Forget hung like a donkey. Porn actors are hung like a Tyrannosaurus Rex on Viagra. They also stay rock solid until the exact moment Mr Big wants to ejaculate.

Reality – Penises come in all sizes, and erections have a mind of their own.

We’re not even going to bother telling you the average penis size. You’ll no doubt only grab a ruler, compare yourself then panic. But average is definitely not porn star size, so don’t fret you don’t match up. Your penis is perfectly marvellous. Unlike a porn penis though, your erection may well not behave itself from time to time – a common trait of real world man-tackle.

Porn myth 2: Women have invisible labia, gigantic boobs, no cellulite and no pubes

In fact, in Pornland, women don’t have any body hair at all. Their vaginal lips are teeny tiny and tucked away. Their boobs are so massive their nipples almost obscure their vision. Oh, and the only dimples they have are the ones on their smiling cheeks as they orgasm effortlessly without foreplay.

Reality – Women are hairy, with dangly bits, odd size tits and dimples everywhere. Get over it.

And when we say ‘get over it’, we’re talking to women too. Because girls are supposed to have a big pube bush. Wax if you want to, but not ’cause you feel you have to. Vaginal lips may well hang over an inch outside the rest of your vagina – and that’s completely normal too. Boobs come in all shapes and sizes. Oh, and all women get cellulite and stretch marks.

Porn myth 3: Men’s semen should splatter in the woman’s face.

Or on her boobs. Or on her friend’s face. In fact, who’s ever seen someone actually come INSIDE a women’s vagina in porn?

Reality – Some girls might like it, others will be downright offended.

Women aren’t lampposts and men aren’t dogs. And yes, in porn, you may well see a guy mark his territory by splashing semen into a gal’s eyes but we doubt you’ll see it in most people’s bedrooms. That’s not to say some girls don’t enjoy it. But it’s safer to think of it as an opt-in sex-act rather than an opt-out one. Plus, it’s just not very romantic, is it? You can’t imagine Mr Darcy blowing his load on Eliza’s Bennet’s face, or Edward Cullen spunking all over Bella’s breasts. And, much as pornos hide this, girls quite like the odd romantic love-making sesh.

Porn myth 4: Where shall I put my penis? I know! Up her bum! She’ll love it.

Anal sex. Does a porn flick exist where something isn’t shoved up an anal cavity? You will therefore be forgiven for thinking up-the-bum is all-the-rage, on-screen and off-screen.

Reality – Anal sex may be common in porn, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it.

Porn stars have reported not eating anything the day before and GIVING THEMSELVES AN ENEMA before shooting an anal scene. So anal isn’t as effortless as porn will have you believe. If you’re both into it, it can be great. But perhaps not the porn way. For starters, you need lube, plus time, gentleness and a lot of respect.

Porn myth 5: Women don’t need any clitoral stimulation

Oh to be a female porn star. For some unknown mathematical reason, all porn women seem to fall into that elusive 25% who can come solely through penetration. Hell, they don’t even need foreplay. Or lubrication. Just a few urgent thrusts up her va-jay-jay and she’s coming hard until Christmas. *cough* FAKER *cough*

Reality – No clit attention, no orgasm

There is a reason for the clitoris. The Creator of the Universe didn’t randomly bung one on all women just because he’d some leftover playdough. For many women, clitoral stimulation is the ONLY way they can come. Porn completely IGNORES this. So men are left thinking ruthless pounding is the route to all female pleasure, and women are left worrying why they don’t enjoy penetration as much as the howling girl on the laptop.

Porn myth 6: Condoms aren’t sexy. Let’s leave them in the drawer.

Safe sex apparently isn’t sexy sex. Cheers for that, porn. Let’s just repeatedly swap partners, fluids, and orifices with a bare-backed boner and not a thought for STIs and pregnancy.

Reality: STIs aren’t sexy. And quite a few porn starlets have caught them.

What they don’t mention in the “I wanna f*ck you now, you filthy b*tch” dialogue, is that porn stars get tested monthly for STIs. And that, even then, many porn actors have caught something. Cue the “please have sex safely” talk that you’re sick of hearing, but that’s still really important.

So what have we learnt about porn then?

Sex is great. And porn can be great. It’s the idea that porn sex is like real sex which is the problem. But if you can separate the fantasy from the reality you’re much more likely to enjoy both.