Whether I have recovered or not....

A lot of things have happened in my life, from personal to family problems. This has always made me think about things in a different light until certain things happened where thinking has now not been the same.

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Since I was little I've always got hit by my dad for doing dumb things as a kid or just doing nothing at all and him losing his temper. I used to hate that and think that I would want to get taken away from my family so that I can be like a normal kid. I started getting used to the hits and was only crying 'cause I didn't feel loved. Then things seemed to have only gotten worse, and I was taken away from my family for a year and my dad left the year after. I was happy cause it meant he couldn't hurt any of us anymore, and I felt that I would never have to see him hit my mum again like he did that day. I started to just feel normal and not have to worry about everything because I didn't feels danger.

Close to my exams something personal happened and I held it together and didn't say anything, but as soon as secondary school ended it was like I broke down, I became suicidal, that felt like the only way I was gonna be able to cope. I didn't wanna be in this world and I tried everything but nothing worked, I cut and I felt relief from that. Now I get panic attacks and that's when I cut.

The personal thing happened again recently, and I can't seem to get away from what's inside my head and I just have no clue on what to do. I'm hurt and lost, but also don't show it. I'm a closed book unless I wanna open up to someone about it, so no one will know how I truly feel.

I'm still a mess and don't think this may change. Sorry if this is all confusing, it's just how it is in my head, honestly I don't think I will ever recover but I guess that's for now.

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