Fear of commitment

‘I don’t want to be tied down.’ ‘I’m not a relationship-person.’ Are these things you’ve heard? Or said yourself? Well, it might be time to do some real digging - cause those statements could be indicators of something deeper. The Mix explains why some people have a fear of commitment.

What does commitment mean?

If you have such a severe case of commitment phobia that you haven’t even thought to consider the question ‘what does commitment mean to me’ then you’ve got some work to do. 

Commitment means something different to every individual. But objectively speaking, there’s a big difference between making your relationship ‘Instagram official’ and moving in together. 

Before you start a new relationship, you need to figure out what commitment means to you. You’ll probably surprise yourself with how many opinions you have on the topic, and that’s fine – healthy even – as long as you and your partner are on the same page. 

That begs the question – what happens when your expectations differ? What if they only wanna move in to help lighten their financial obligation? Apart from kick-starting some potentially uncomfortable conversations, it might reveal a deep-seated fear of commitment. In which case, there’s now a massive question mark over your relationship with your romantic partner.

In case you’re on the other end of the spectrum and wanna catch the signs of commitment phobia, here are some common reasons people avoid commitment.

If you don’t want a relationship

If you’re single, or just having one-night stands, and you know a relationship isn’t for you right now, that’s fine. Maybe you feel too young to get tied down. Or you’ve just come out of a particularly intense relationship and don’t want to jump straight back in.

The confusion only comes if you’re in a relationship, but don’t want to be in one. Or even if you do, but feel so freaked out by the idea that you interpret the panic as a sign that you don’t wanna be with anyone. If that sounds like you, see our ‘I’m scared of being in a relationship’ advice below.

Fear of commitment because someone better might come along

There are so many attractive people out there. How do you know if you’re with the ‘right’ one? What if you’re happier with someone else? Isn’t it just suffocating to be tied down?

We’d caution you to try and think about where these feelings are coming from. Is it social pressure? Is it low self-esteem? Or have you just stopped fancying them?

Also, do some reflection from time to time about the types of questions you’re asking. What does ‘better’ mean? Does it mean someone hotter? Or does it mean someone kinder? Or funnier?

When you make a commitment to someone, you’ve gotta accept to some degree that they aren’t gonna tick every box. No one’s gonna live up to the fantasy that you’ve created in your head. ‘The One’ you’ve been dreaming about doesn’t exist. That’s why it’s important to identify what qualities you just can’t live without, and what qualities are just the cherry on top’.

Fear of being in a relationship

If you wanna be in a relationship but you suffer from a fear of commitment, it’s usually a result of bad past experiences. Perhaps you were cheated on, or had your heart broken. Maybe you watched your parents go through a horrific divorce. So how do you overcome whatever’s holding you back?

If you’re currently with someone, talking about why you’re scared is a good place to start. We know it’s terrifying to make yourself even more vulnerable, but it’ll be helpful for them to understand your commitment issues. That way they won’t take them personally. Then you can face them together. Single or coupled up, seeing a counsellor can be beneficial too.

Beverley Stone, a relationship psychologist, also recommends focusing more on the good things about being in love. Rather than worrying about what could go wrong. “Enjoy the moment,” she says. “People can be afraid the other person will leave them, or scared of committing their life to someone. Thing is, you have to take risks in life if you wanna move forward.”

The honeymoon period ended and you don’t know how to feel

The start of any romantic relationship can be pretty freaking awesome. You can’t stop thinking about them, you’re constantly spending time together and telling everyone how amazing they are…and then you have your first fight. Otherwise you go a weekend without having sex… and then a whole week…

We hate to be the one to tell you this but ALL honeymoon periods eventually end. Mainly because it’s biologically impossible to keep producing all those lust hormones that drive you wild at the start. The good news? If you can get past this initial disappointment, the relationship moves onto a higher intimacy level. You’ll get to really know each other – flaws and all. It’s honestly even better than all that banging if you ask us. 

Committing to a long-term relationship means accepting this’ll happen. Accepting that your partner isn’t perfect, and that all successful relationships are ultimately about compromise. You may not be ready to compromise yet, and that’s fine. But if you’re starting to worry about the future of your relationship, then it’s worth talking to someone about how you feel.

For more advice read our article on how much sex is normal.

If your partner has a fear of commitment

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t want the level of commitment that you do it can be hard.

But you both have a right to want whatever your heart desires. You’re entitled to dream about being in a committed relationship and they’re entitled to want something more casual. The most important thing is that you both know what the other person wants, and talk about it. Decide how much time you’re willing to wait for them to commit, and explain why it’s important to you. That way you’re not left waiting forever. We’ve said it a million times, but we’ll say it once more – communication is key. 

Beverley suggests setting some guidelines to stop you wasting time (and *slightly* decrease heartache.) “Work out boundaries so you know what’s expected of each other,” she says. “If the other person can’t get their act together by the end of, say, six months, then end it.” 

Their fear of commitment is not your fault

If someone has been leading you on it can often feel like it’s your fault they’re not committing, which can damage your self-esteem. “Dealing with someone who has a commitment phobia can have you walking on eggshells,” says Beverley, “you don’t want to say the wrong thing or scare them away.”

We want you to know that it’s not your fault that they haven’t been keeping their promises. If they’ve made you feel guilty, then it’s important to think long and hard about how happy this relationship is making you. “Don’t be frightened to say your piece,” says Beverley, “and try not to blame yourself. The right person will come along eventually”.

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