Who to pull at festivals

Whether you're copping off with a hairy hippy or a dodgy dealer, find out the ups and downs of free love at festivals.

"Anyone spotted any fitties yet?"

Hairy Hippy

Spot them: Spiritual, smelly, spliff-smoking … and yet somehow sexy.
Good for: While you may not get around to the sex (opting to stare into the bonfire for life’s answers instead), if you do it’s sure to be a meaningful one.
Watch out for: Missing the whole festival while doing the above.

Firebreather

Spot them: That’ll be the one breathing fire.
Good for: Scorching sex, probably into S&M if that’s your thing.
Watch out for: Burns if you get too steamy.

Mud man

Spot them: Muddy.
Good for: A quick roll in the mud before heading off to the dance tent.
Watch out for: Drowning in puddles that are deeper than you thought.

Mad hatter

Spot them: Festival virgins. They’ll be sunburned, fumbling, vomiting, jester hat-wearing and quite possibly tripping.
Good for: A laugh (at them, not with them).
Watch out for: Becoming part of the joke.

Naked person

Spot them: Erm, the one without any clothes on.
Good for: Easy access.
Watch out for: Exhibitionist tendencies, plus they may run off with a fellow naked person if you don’t shed your clothes fast enough.

Dodgy dealer

Spot them: Tendency to wheeze, “speed, pills, hash,” in your ear, and then sell you paracetamol or Oxo cubes.
Good for: Free ‘pretend’ drugs. A shopping spree if they were successful.
Watch out for: The boys in blue/disgruntled customers.

Platform primadonna

Spot them: Tottering around in best ‘Saturday night on the town’ gear and full make-up.
Good for: Nothing – not sure why she’s at a festival, she may break a nail.
Watch out for: Mud baths – the perfect way to ditch her – and her heels.

City slicker

Spot them: Yelling “I’m at the Pyramid stage, it’s really crap” into their shiny new iPhone.
Good for: We’ll get back to you on that one.
Watch out for: Boring pillow talk on the stock market and how absolutely bloody fantastically great they are(n’t).

Band member

Spot them: Backstage passes, camera flashes, instruments.
Good for: Clean(er) portaloos and showers, chance to mingle in the VIP bar.
Watch out for: The paparazzi, do you really want to be on the cover of Heat before you’ve used those showers?

Farm cow

Spot them: Mooooooooooooooooooooo.
Good for: Erm, milk?
Watch out for: A pat on the back you really don’t deserve; being arrested for beastiality.