Fail-safe sickies

Sometimes you just want a day off, without using up that precious annual leave. Here's how to pull a successful sickie...but don't blame us if you're found out and sacked.

Please let me off!

Calling in sick

• The most tried-and-tested excuse is always some kind of illness. Make it something messy or contagious, and they’ll be relieved to see your empty desk. If you’re tired and have a slight cold or a touch of hay fever, splash a little warm water on your forehead and pinch your cheeks for that fevered look, and go home with a dose of ‘flu’.
• If you’re ill in bed with a hangover, call in sick and say you went out for seafood the night before, and (oh no!) got food poisoning. When you go back to work, rub a little bit of talcum powder under your eye bags for a pasty, sickly appearance that’ll back your story up nicely. Keep this one for treats. Your boss will notice very quickly that you are always getting salmonella on Mondays and Fridays.
• Back injuries are hard to prove, but they are equally hard to disprove. Your new bad back could slip out of place at any time, and is also a great excuse for being lazy around the office. Just don’t get caught dancing in a local club the same evening.
• Develop really horrific migraines, the sort that make you vomit every time you try to get out of bed and ready for work.

Emergency medical visits

You can also get mornings off here and there if you invent some long-running dental problem with a filling that keeps falling out. You can’t get away with this one if you’ve got perfect teeth, of course.

Emergency visits to the doctor (GP) are a good mini-sickie excuse too, especially if you have been ‘suffering’ all weekend, and ‘it was the only appointment I could get’. Lap up the sympathy.

Blame transport

This is easy, as long as nobody in your office comes into work the same way as you do. Plan ahead; moan loudly all week about the traffic or public transport before you turn up late. Blame your car, the bus company, the train, or a traffic accident.

Invent a domestic nightmare

Try ‘waiting in’ for any number of things – the cable guy, gas engineer, or washing machine geezer. Be creative; invent a personal domestic crisis like burst pipes, the roof falling in, or a mercy dash to casualty with a poorly partner.

Mourn an imaginary family member

You will be able to swing a long weekend if you pretend there has been a death in the family. It’s best to invent a favourite aunt, if you can act convincingly distraught then even better. Otherwise, be unusually quiet and shy, avoiding eye contact with people at work, until someone asks you what’s wrong. This leaves you free to attend a ‘funeral’, in which case you should get out of town for a long weekend break.

NB: never try this one if you work in a family business.

But remember:

If you try one of these, there is a good chance of being caught – and possibly sacked. Chances are there’ll be people queuing up to replace you. If you get to keep your job, you will never be allowed to take another sick day again. Even if you are ill.