Afraid to commit?

‘I don’t want to be tied down.’ ‘I’m not ready for a relationship.’ Are these things you’ve heard? Or said yourself? The Mix explains why some people are afraid of commitment.

Deciding where your relationship is going can lead to difficult conversations.

What does commitment even mean?

What is commitment to you? There’s a big difference between making your relationship ‘Facebook official’ and moving in together.

You may have your own personal opinions on what commitment is and when it’s appropriate, and that’s fine – as long as it’s similar to what your partner expects too.

But what happens when your expectations differ? Apart from kick-starting some potentially uncomfortable arguments, it can also stamp a massive question mark over your relationship.

Here are some common reasons people get scared of commitment.

I don’t know if I even want a relationship

If you’re single, or just having one-night stands, and you know you’re not into having a relationship, that’s fine. If you’re not ready for a relationship, you’re not ready. Maybe you feel too young to get tied down, or you’ve just come out of one relationship and don’t want to jump straight back in.

Confusion comes if you’re in a relationship, but don’t want to be in one. Or if you think you want a relationship, but feel so freaked out by the idea you interpret these feelings as not wanting to be with anyone. See our ‘I’m scared of being in a relationship’ advice below.

I don’t want to commit because someone better might come along

Wondering whether to stick or twist? There are so many attractive people out there. How do you know if you’re with the ‘right’ one? What if you’re happier with someone else? HOW DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING?

Try and think about where this attitude is coming from. Is it social pressure? Is it low self-esteem? Or have you just stopped fancying them?

Also, ask yourself what ‘better’ means? Does it mean someone hotter? Or does it mean someone kinder? Or funnier?

When you make a commitment to someone, you’ve got to accept to some degree that one person isn’t going to tick every box. We hate to be the ones to tell you, but no one is perfect and there’s no Mr or Mrs Right. So identify what qualities you just can’t live without, and what qualities are just ‘nice to have’.

I’m scared of being in a relationship

If you want to be in a relationship but you’re afraid of commitment it’s usually bad past experiences that are stopping you. Perhaps you were cheated on, or had your heart broken, or watched your parents go through a horrific divorce. So how do you overcome these?

If you’re with someone, talking about why you’re scared is a good place to start. We know it’s terrifying, and may make you feel even more vulnerable, but it’ll be helpful for them to understand why you’re the way you are. Then you can face them together. Single or coupled up, seeing a counsellor can be beneficial too.

Beverley Stone, a relationship psychologist, also recommends focusing more on the good things about being in love, rather than worrying about what could go wrong. “Enjoy the moment,” she says. “People can be afraid the other person will leave them, or scared of committing their life to someone – but you have to take risks in life.”

Relationships are boring…

The start of a relationship can be bloody amazing. You can’t stop thinking about them, and telling everyone how amazing they are. It feels right… it feels perfect… maybe this is the one…

…and then you have your first fight. Or they do something gross and, for the first time, you think ‘ick’. Or you go a weekend without having sex… and then a whole week… then two…

Sound familiar? Again, sorry to break it to you, but ALL honeymoon periods end. Mainly because it’s biologically impossible to keep producing all those lust hormones. The good news is that, if you can get past this initial disappointment, the relationship moves onto a higher intimacy level, which can be amazing – in a different way.

Committing to a long-term relationship means accepting this will happen, accepting that your partner isn’t perfect, and that all successful relationships are ultimately about compromise. You may not be ready to compromise yet, and that’s fine. But if you’re starting to worry about yourself, then it’s worth talking to someone about how you feel.

For more advice about your dwindling sex life, read our article on how much sex is normal.

My partner’s a commitment-phobe

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t want as much commitment as you it can be hard.

But you both have a right to feel the way that you do. You’re entitled to want a committed relationship and they’re entitled to want something more casual. The most important thing is that you both know what the other person wants, and talk about it. Decide how much time you’re willing to wait for them to commit, and explain why it’s important to you.

Beverley suggests setting guidelines to stop you wasting time (and heartache.) “Give boundaries so you know what’s expected of each other,” she says. “If the other person can’t get their act together by the end of, say, six months, then end it.”

For the relationship to continue you’ll both have to make some compromises. And if one or both of you can’t do that, then you’ll have to seriously think about if you can handle staying with someone who won’t give you what you need.

Is it my fault they don’t want to commit?

If someone has been leading you on it can often feel like it’s your fault, which can damage your self-esteem. “Commitment phobics can have you walking on egg shells,” says Beverley, “so you don’t want to say the wrong thing.”

It’s not your fault that they haven’t been keeping their promises, and if they’ve made you feel guilty, then it’s important to think long and hard about how happy this is making you. “Don’t be frightened of these people,” says Beverley, “and don’t blame yourself.”